Chaos Fairy

I've never felt more alone  and yet strangely unbothered.

Happy new year!

A little taste of an artist I am loving at the moment. (We all know I am a sucker for violins).

{ Click here to view via youtube }

CF

Everybody has an opinion, or a theory or two, where my love life is concerned. I value and genuinely absorb each and every critique, and I believe I deserve the often negative opinions and theories impressed upon me by others, because I put myself out there in such a way that encourages visceral response. 

I am sorry.

I have always been an open book. If you ask me questions, I will answer them with an unabashed honesty. I rarely know when enough is enough, nor am I able to gauge what is appropriate. This often evokes a love / hate reaction in people, and I can be considered crass, crude or narcissistic. (It is very likely that I embody each of these adjectives, though on the other hand, I might be considered refreshing, funny and self deprecating)! It is that age old adage which encourages us to believe that everything has various interpretations, and that, 'Beauty is in the eye of the beholder'. We can all draw our own conclusions; write our own stories.

I am my harshest, most unrelenting critic. I read old entries in this very blog and I cringe. I think back, and I know that I was trying to keep my tone colloquial and amusing, but I feel that it reads as very superficial, careless and immature. In the vein of this I decided to to write a sequel, of sorts, to an entry I wrote almost six ago, you can click on the link below to read the entry:

I Believe In Love (I Always Have) 

Let's start with the title... Do I? Have I? I'm not so sure any more. Love is a recurring theme in my blog writing, reading back through my entries I seem a little obsessed. Do I focus on this to appear normal? To feel normal? To keep my mind occupied? My mum asked me if I want to have a baby now that my brother has one, and my sister is in the early stages of pregnancy.

Do I want a baby?

No.

Do I want a relationship?

No..?

I am close to screaming and sick to death of answering the same questions. Tired of my family looking at me, exchanging glances. YES, both my brother and sister are engaged. YES, both my brother and sister have started families. NO, I have done neither but I am OK you know. I am not a circus attraction! Not yet anyway, we'll wait and see if my hymen grows back.

My previous entry waffles on about 'settling', I will still never settle for anything less than what I want, but I have come to realise that I don't actually know what I want. Someone recently told me that I am too scared to even attempt to be with someone. They wonder, why won't I let someone love me and see if I can grow to love them back?

Just try.

I do hide behind being in love with someone else. Someone I can never have, and now isn't that convenient?

Some of my wiser friends say to me, 'Dani, if you wanted to be in a relationship, you would be in one'. I've always fought that theory with a passion. Now I am beginning to think they may be right. I enjoy my life, I enjoy time with my friends. I love being able to plan trips away and going to five festivals a year beacuse I don't have a partner or a pet or a mortgage to worry about. Being in love with a man I can't have suits my solitary nature.

I guess.

On 13/01/2006 I wrote: "I believe in love, I want love, is that too much to ask? I don't think so. I'm not sure there is only one true love allocated to each person, maybe there are many loves you are entitled to in your life, maybe for some people there is only one love and they know it right when they meet the person..."

Maybe they do, maybe they don't. But there isn't only one, 'road less travelled' you know. There are thousands. And I am enjoying my travels. 

Mostly.

Don't you ever doubt my belief in what I want. It is out there, and I am in no hurry. Maybe I'll settle down when I am fifty-three, maybe I'll settle down next week.

I know where my heart lies.

And right now I have never felt more inspired and it's exciting, and it is scary, and it is fine.

Excuse my lack of make up and the fact that there is a newborn baby with a better tan than me but...

Lilly Evie

This is me with my beautiful little niece! I am finally an auntie and I am so proud!

In other news...

I'm trying to sort my life out, genuinely. I need to pay my way out of debt, rapidly, and I need to stop drinking so much in a feeble effort to enjoy myself. I need to learn to drive and go travelling next year, or move into a place of my own. Decisions decisions.

I bought tickets for Lissa and I to go to the English National Opera to see The Marriage of Figaro. I am very excited! I miss my records quite terribly so this should make up for that and then some!

I really need a home.

And a hug.

I had a birthday, it lasted four days. I am too old for birthdays to last four days...

I GOT: a Smashing Pumpkins ticket; a FRAK badge, (I actually got all of Battlestar Galactica it was pretty frakking amazing); a Zelda keyring; Super Mario Brothers - THE MOVIE; six cacti; a triceratops, (not a real one); a whole heap of clothing, (including a pair of shoes and a pair of boots); some jelly beans; covered in plasters, (band-aids for those overseas) and very, very, very drunk for my birthday.

I do hereby solemnly swear to never, ever grow up.

I have an unhealthy obsession with Snow Patrol's new EP. I am going to see them in October and I am looking forward to it immensely. Mostly because I am going with my long lost friend, Ali Cat.

I think I am falling for a friend. I have never felt more confused and yet strangely excited...

I am overusing elipses...

I will blog properly soon, I just wanted to maintain radio contact. Yada yada.

The most romantic thing anyone has said to me in a long while? 

" You're such a lovely girl, like a Marilyn Monroe to my JFK "

The Heart Is A Cannibal...

I know, I've been gone a while. I got into a bit of a pickle at the end of May / beginning of June and since then my life has been absolute madness. I've lost count of the amount of music festivals I've been to this year, and I quit my job on a Thursday and started a new one the following Monday!

I'm still single, though I have been dating. When I say dating, what I mean is: I've pretty much fallen in with a guy at a music festival, (no nookie! You know me), then I have gone on a first date with said guy back in the real world only to realise he is not what I am looking for. This happened twice.

I was dating a man at the beginning of the year, and he was lovely but sadly it really wasn't going anywhere. I genuinely tried to be different this time and instead of writing him off, as is my usual impatient stance, I stuck it out in the hope we might be on track to some form of destination; a relationship terminus, of sorts. Somwhere that I could arrive with someone and maybe stay for a while. But it never materialised and my patient, penitent perseverance did not pay off. I am sure it was all for the best as I wasn't particularly affected by it at all in the end, and that's not right, is it? In the early days of dating someone you expect it to be exciting. You need it to be because it leads to the lovely, glorious sex and fireworks... Or not.

My new job is a lowly admin temp job but I'm really happy with the mundanity of it. The pay is relatively poor but the lack of pressure and social interaction it entails is exactly what I need right now. Plus it is so flexible in terms of booking days off here and there for gigs and I have weekends free to see my friends which is brilliant. I had forgotten how many wonderful, beautiful, crazy, inspiring friends I have. And I've made so many more this year, it's been fucking incredible, to put it mildly.

I was cycling 8miles a day to and from work, but Percy, my bike, needs a good service which costs money and I'm off to Reading this weekend so I'm prioritising in terms of cash needs! Not cycling makes me sad and also feel like a fatty. Ah well!

I need a bloody good service.

I've cut a fringe into my hair again, you can always tell I'm going through some kind of internal crisis when I do something radical with my hair. At the moment I teeter on the brink of:

"Pretty bloody happy and satisfied with my life because of my friends and live music on a regular basis"

and:

"Pretty bloody unhappy actually"

I know I'll get there in the end but sometimes I am so lonely everything seems empty and inconsequential. It doesn't help that I dreamt about the man I am in love with having a baby. Not physically himself of course, that would be ridiculous! But his girlfriend. I am waiting for the day that news of his engagement / marriage / child expectancy trickles down through the grapevine... When I say 'waiting' I do of course mean 'dreading'.

So life is pretty good mostly! It's gone 9pm right now and I'm fairly tired as I have been doing overtime this week, so I am going to hit the hay very shortly. I promise not to stay away so long!

Oh... and I have decided on my career of choice. I am going to be a rapper. Stay tuned for me 'hitting you up with some lyrics' (I believe that's a colloquial enough term) very soon! And also, something I have been considering for months and months now... Some vlogging!! Maybe even a little rap vlogging. I'll style it out...

Other items of merit which may warrant noting: 

MUSIC: it's all about The Lonely Island, Angus & Julia Stone, Josh Ritter and Lady Gaga

LITERATURE: Federico Andahazi's The Anatomist

I am mostly watching science fiction TV shows, though I have run out of Battlestar Galactica (TRAVESTY)

So I ended the year with two declarations of love and a half arsed marriage proposal. Not a bad Yuletide, when all is said and done. I intend to aim higher for 2011. Oh yes... 

People keep asking me what my new year's resolution is. I can only think of one: 

To fall in love.

Seriously. I have been single for four years and I haven't been looking for love. Love hurts and all that jazz... But it has hit me that I'm almost thirty and perhaps I should be looking for something... more? I absolutely love my job, but I am painfully aware that it is not a career. I was hoping it would become a career, and with a little more training I think it could be. However, not in the store I currently work in, as it is a small shop in a small town, and there really isn't much of a hierarchy in optics. (NB: I work as an optical assistant in a renowned hight street opticians). The system basically consists of optometrists, then store managers, then us mere mortals hanging out at the bottom of the pyramid, praising the Godlike Optoms atop it; go team. 

As my new year's resolution (I shudder at this terminology) is "love" (and we all know that, 'The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return', because Luhrmann's Moulin Rouge tells us so, therefore it must be true)! I thought I'd share my year's disastrous dalliances with dating, chronologically and using code-names, of course, (not that code-names prevent me from getting into trouble with their alter-egos, when they invariably google me and feel extreme levels of mortification. My advice? Don't do dumbass things to a girl who writes a blog. Hell, just don't do dumbass things, period). 

So let's all raise a glass of Asda £3.99 Cava Brut in honour of 2010; it's been swell, but so long mother fucker, I shan't miss you...

"The DJ": was a lovely guy. Incredibly trendy and very much into his music, (always a massive turn on for me). We hung out a few times but I called it off because of a few choice reasons which would be rude to blog, HOWEVER... He did hit me during sex. A proper smackerooni right across the face. It was probably my fault for sleeping with him after telling him I wasn't interested in him that way. He felt the need to punish me I guess. Oh, and he also accused me of being in love with somebody else and thinking of him whilst we were, ahem, doing the deed. In truth, I was in love with someone else but I wasn't really thinking much of anything other than, 'Why am I doing this...?' 

Which leads nicely to... "T": since he was the one I was in love with at the time. I have known him for a decade and we'd always had the odd flirt over the years, but in 2009 after I got back to the UK from Australia, we went out for a drink and... nothing happened. Ever. Our text messages got more and more outrageously raunchy until I got fed up and told him to delete me, I wanted a real man, not a fantasy man. Then he got a girlfriend and we started texting again (typical). We went through the standard rigmarole of 'let's be friends', when really we wanted to be so much more, but he was too afraid to bite the bullet and actually do anything about it. (Perhaps he never wanted to do anything about it and merely enjoyed the chase and adulation? Who knows). It was all a bit of 'harmless fun' until he kissed me on Christmas eve 2009 and promised to leave said girlfriend. And then it became 2010 and I fell. Hard.

"The Rogue": was a friend of a friend. I spent a couple of weeks in May travelling back to Hertfordshire for a few days here and there, desperate to be near my family and friends , (my life in London was sad and lonely and I was falling apart), and we spent a lot of time together. As a general rule I am a bit of a prude, and I don't sleep with a person unless I believe we have a future together, (the DJ was a ridiculous exception), so I honestly thought that the Rogue and I were going somewhere... But we weren't. When I went back to London to pack up my life ready to move back to Herts full time, I didn't hear from him. And the next thing I heard was that he had slept with our mutual friend. Several times. 

"The Guy From Work": used to text me when we were in the same room together! Sweet stuff about how beautiful I was and how he wanted to kiss me. It started off incredibly innocently but he soon became obsessed with sleeping with me, and his texts took a turn toward the vulgar. The messages were absolutely incessant, and if I didn't reply straight away he would freak out. Turns out he was engaged the whole time, had tried it on with every other girl at work and was suicidal to boot. Brilliant!

"Glove": I 'met' Glove on a social networking site, (at the beginning of this time T had broken my heart for the final time by telling me he had moved in with his girlfriend). Glove lives 162 miles away. A ridiculous distance. We started texting all the time, then we realised we were on the same mobile phone network and became magic numbers (free phone calls!) It was an absolute whirlwind of a time, where we called each other almost every single day, and talked for hours. This went on for a few months until we decided to meet, but unfortunately the meeting fell through and we severed contact for a bit. It nearly killed me and I cried for an entire weekend. I know what you're all thinking, how you need to be careful with internet relationships, or whatever you want to call them, but it felt very real at the time. I fell for this one a little bit. A lot actually. He still holds a piece of my heart...

I'm not going to tell you who the love declarations were from, suffice to say one was very welcome, the other, was not. The proposal was as a 'back-up wife', but I couldn't marry him, ever. I will marry for love if I ever marry at all. The last back up husband I had was a good friend of mine and he died. He is irreplaceable.

xx CF 

Tim just messaged me " Twenty 20? Scrumpy???! aye aye :D " FROM DENMARK! Come on summer, bring the man back to England....

BIG SHOUT OUT TO BROWN BEAR ♥ ♥ ♥ (AKA Tina Shead) and to all of you for reading me, if no one read this stuff I wouldn't write, ever. 

I'm quite tired but no longer ill, which I am eternally thankful for. I don't ever want to be that ill again! Life is OK, pretty dull as I am so very very broke (for a change), but I've handed in notice on my flat and I have until the end of June to find somewhere new to live. It will most likely be a move to Herts, though Surrey is a'calling... A large part of my heart lies south of the river.

I'm just bored. I don't think it's right to wail and bemoan life when your only real problem is the fact that you are intellectually and emotionally unchallenged. But I can't help myself sometimes! So that's why I'm working on a big move elsewhere. I don't want to start somewhere new, I want to go where I have friends already. I don't actually have any north London friends, I go out with people who live in Surrey, Herts and Essex and it's getting a little expensive not to mention far and few between! Sometimes I'd just like to sit on a sofa with another person and drink tea or something. Coming home to this overpriced empty flat on a daily basis and knowing I am alone for the duration is basically lonely ! I can't stand it any more. And I can't afford it.

So here's a poll, <<<< Herts Vs. Surrey >>>> leave your opinions in the comments section at the end of this blog. All good reasons as to where I should move to and why! You know what to do.......

I'm currently listening to Jeff Buckley. I am reading Counter-Clock World by Philip K. Dick and German for Dummies (nope, not joking) and I've run out of apples!

Top 5 songs of the week are, in no particular order:

• 'Ramona Was A Waitress' by Paul Dempsey (amazing opening lyric 'Typing letters to the dead, late at night on a closed piano lid...' Glorious lyrics throughout in all honesty)
• 'Home' Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros (think Noah and the Whale but with deeper, more well rounded, country vocals)
• 'Little Lion Man' by Mumford & Sons (I'm surprised at this. They're a bit "folk does musical theatre" [in my humble opinion] but hey. This song is excellent, the rest of the album is musically very good though the awful little rhyming lyrics make me literally cringe).
• 'Kathleen' by Josh Ritter (don't feel the need to explain this one at all).
• 'Buttons' by Sia (I love the lyrics!! Lovely, quirky, little pop song).

It's only 8:30pm but I'm soooooo tired! Night all...

♥ Bear hugs

So my night consists of...

Indian takeaway, The Bluffers Guide to Cricket and Channel 4's Alternative Election Night... please Cod let it be Labour not fucking Tory. COME ON YOU REDS !!

I'm having the time of my life.

Bear xx

I was in a pretty good mood at the end of my shift today, due to a text message which read "I can't believe you turned me down!lol x" Now as you all know my Blackberry is broken so I had no clue who it was from (I turn men down on a regular basis, haha). It turns out it was my ex boyfriend; I got in touch with him recently (as suggested by T, who seemed to think it would be a good idea and it really was)! Turns out he's not engaged, never was, and also, he apologised for being a class A bastard when we went on holiday, isn't closure wonderful?! I honestly don't know why I didn't do this four years ago! He had no idea about anything and now everything is cleared up and I feel free. Corny as Hell I know. I love that he still wants me (even if it is just for sex).

Now I'm in an awful mood because I can't ignore the fact that my life is rapidly going down the toilet. I'm not earning enough to pay for my flat and bills, let alone to actually have a life. I'm not behind on my rent but I am maxed on credit cards and I honestly can't remember the last time my cupboard actually had food in it. So I'm packing it all in and moving back to Hertfordshire. I can't say that I haven't tried to make this work, it's been over a year and I still don't have any friends in this area at all. Everybody I know and love lives in Surrey, Hertfordshire, Essex or Cambridgeshire and I just can't be on my own any more, life is hard enough without being lonely thrown on top of it all. At least in Herts I'll be close to my family and a large majority of my friends. I'll be back in June with any luck, if my lease allows four weeks notice (I have a scary feeling it needs eight)?!

On a lighter note, I went to one of Jackson's gigs on Friday and it was SLAMMING. Rach, me and Amy ended up at a party in a squat in a warehouse (I couldn't make this shit up if I tried), and I was still drinking at 7am and managed to accidentally spike myself with God-knows-what, and then spent the next hour vomiting. Excellent. There's a reason why I don't do parties. I am too old for that stuff, and should really look after myself better. I have had a blatant disregard for my well-being since the absence of T in my life and there is no excuse really. I only have myself to blame.

SO, four weeks to find a place to live!! Anyone have a spare room or a sofa to lend for a bit...? Haha. Here we go again, I should change my name back to Chaos Fairy...

xx Dani Bear

So I was a little miffed at the woman on the bus who was giving me the evil eye whilst I shelled pistachios and ate them today. Merrily. (I have decided they are a happy-food). I was dropping the shells into my shopping bag, and, even if I were littering - they're fucking biodegradable!!!!!!! Unbelievable.

It's been three days without my Blackberry. There's a sadness in my eyes; sorrow hangs about me like an ever present shadow... There is no sleep to be had this night...

So I've been ill for about two weeks and really ill all over the weekend with a fever from the wee hours of Friday morning. I actually stayed at my mum's house in Letchworth, Hertfordshire because I was that ill. She called me a 'little radiator' because of my temperature. (I'm not very 'little', but it was nice to be treated like a little girl again, and have my mummy look after me, and buy me ice cream). I'm not very happy at the moment, not least because I'm ill but also because I'm extremely fed up with the way my life is going, which is, namely, Nowhere. I'm lonely down here, I never have any money so I never see my friends and my job is very dull. I don't know what to do. So here's a photo-blog of some of the things that have made me smile these past few weeks. (With the exception of a few because my fucking Blackberry is broken so I don't have any of my phone pictures). So yeah, life is shit. My heart got broken, again. Completely my fault, I spent so long being careful I had to crack sometime. I went a bit off the rails and even broke my no sex rule which was a complete mistake (there's a very good reason why I abstain)!

OK, starting with the tangerine makeover (check it - I look so impressed) and ending with Torvill and motherfucking Dean. Don't be jealous, being this cool comes naturally to some...

Being in love with you is my favourite pastime.

It doesn't hurt, though I know that it should.

And I have nothing to lose,

loving you,

It’s so easy.

And though people,

They could tell me you’re a waste of my time,

they won't because

This is something only both of us know.

Perhaps I should be stronger.

A bigger

person

would surely

Know better than to

Dream of you,

Wouldn’t they?

But then,

Being in love with you is my favourite pastime,

And I don’t feel weak,

And I don’t feel blue,

I feel empowered just thinking

of you.

Nights can be long and they

Should undoubtedly be lonely without a man

By my side,

But you have taken roost in

The space inside my head,

So even though your physicality fails

To fill my bed,

Being in love with you is my favourite pastime.

© Danielle Patricia Johnson 2010

[Another work in progress, FIRST DRAFT, written veeery early this morning 05/04/2010 at around 3am. Constructive criticism always appreciated]. 

True to Bear fashion I have spent the entire Easter weekend in my pyjamas, it has been bliss! I have been catching up with TV shows and I am especially loving Carnivále which is a sepia work of art, in my opinion. You would think that I would have meandered askew from the life fantastic, what with spending so much time alone with only the thoughts inside my head, but alas, I am still one very happy lady. I have myriad thoughts of the future, which include:

• moving further into London, though still north so I can be close to work
• volunteering for a charity, preferably to help the homeless. I'm thinking of the Salvation Army but if anyone knows of any other worthy charities or has some contacts please do let me know!
• getting abreast of my finances. Honestly I cannot go on living my life so carelessly, I will never learn to drive or get my car on the road at this rate and I really do want to go away this year!
• buying some jogging bottoms so that I can start to get fit. I have let myself go for far too long and though I honestly don't want to be ridiculously skinny (I am a big fan of my curves) I wouldn't mind be able to fit into my jeans again. And I love jogging! I can do  anything with music swirling through my mind.

Music wise I can enthusiastically recommend the new Laura Marling album I Speak Because I Can, particularly her tracks 'Blackberry Stone', 'Goodbye England (Covered In Snow)' and 'He Wrote'. I am also delighting in a little bit of Amy Macdonald (just a smattering), still obsessed with Marina and the Diamonds and newly addicted to Josh Ritter, particularly Hello Starling with a splash of The Golden Age of Radio [albums].

Mwah! ♥

If I told you all the comings and goings in my life right now I'm not sure you would believe me... or be able to keep up! Suffice to say, I am genuinely happy with my life right now. Pretty much everything holds an element of wonder, and no, that's not an exaggeration.

Not even unrequited love can bring me down...

I had a makeover and photoshoot with my sister today, it was a lot of fun though I have never worn so much makeup in my entire life! I was literally orange. You could have popped me into a fruit bowl and I would've passed for a rather large tangerine [dream]. The shots will be delivered in four weeks, (cost a small fortune), I will make an album for you all to see.

Laters potatoes!

xD