Chaos Fairy {PLATINUM VERS 2.0}

At the risk of sounding full of teenage angst (an unfortunate by-product); none of us actually asked to be born, did we? So this whole 'life' thing seems a little unfair really. I'm completely and utterly fed up of working my arse off, being in pain every day with tendonitis - not being able to swim or to jog in able to get fit because of tendonitis (not so much a by-product as an anti-product) - not that I'd actually bother to get fit if I didn't have an excuse not to, being flat broke, getting nowhere career-wise or emotionally, being bored out of my tiny mind, being so depressed on my days off I merely stuff my face til I feel sick or sleep and do not leave the house, being on my own, feeling pointless, worthless, distracted, demotivated, lazy, frustrated and wishing my existence away. What a pointless waste of a life. I feel so ungrateful. Wonderful people die every day, people who are loved, people who love in return. And it's enough for them. Me? I just don't want to be here, or anywhere else for that matter. I've completely fucking had it. I am so sick of faking it; smiling at people, showing up for work every day like it actually means something when in fact I am drowning financially and screaming blue bloody murder inside. I want to curl up and sleep and to never ever wake up and if I had the balls to actually be the selfish fuckwit that suicide demands you be, I wouldn't be here thinking about everything, which, as it turns out, is really Nothing.

“You make me come. You make me complete. You make me completely miserable.”  Lit – Miserable

That song never fails to raise a smile! It made me feel better about dragging my sorry ass into work today. Sitting on the tube I felt sure I was going to throw up any second and I remember thinking, ‘so this is what nausea feels like without being hungover’. It was horrible; my brain was struggling to process the sensation. I am genuinely ill. No swine flu jokes please, it’s really not funny. As soon as the pre-shift meeting was over I told my supervisors I had to go home - I could barely stand! It was ridiculous.

Speaking of orgasms, did you know that not a single person has ever made me come? Hardly surprising as I only discovered I could do it manually myself last year. No I am not joking. Before that only battery operated, purpose built appliances could do the job. I am somewhat of a sexual late bloomer. Contrary to my reputation as a teenager, (someone used to call me Dani Bike which never fails to amuse me), I did not lose my virginity until I was twenty, to my first proper boyfriend, Toby. (Around the year 2002 I believe). I have never regretted this and in fact I am rather proud. Don’t get me wrong, I thought I should be having sex long before then but the idea terrified me; I took boys home but couldn’t bring myself to actually do the deed, or anything else for that matter! Poor boys must have been so confused. I feel like last year’s discovery has given me a whole new lease of sexual enterprise...

Sex is overrated, mostly. I have only successfully had one casual partner and this was also last year and we didn’t have sex nearly as often as I would have liked! Where I focused mainly on the ‘sex’ part of the phrase he focused more on the ‘casual’ side of things. In fact I believe you could have substituted the word casual with the words ‘so-laid-back-he’s-on-the-floor’ to give you a better overview of the situation. We all know what my first casual encounter led to: months and months of heartbreak over You-Know-Who-From-You-Know-Where. (I’ve been reading my old blog entries recently, I really was ill in my first year of uni wasn’t I)?! And oh so heart broken. We live and learn. I wouldn’t trade my experience with YKW for the world, in fact it has now become a fond memory. I recently got in touch with him as I had heard he felt bad about it all, I wanted him to know it’s all water under the bridge. Though if he ever read my blog in those days I wouldn’t blame him for having a guilt complex! I can be so dramatic.

This blog will be five years old in February 2010! Most of my entries make me cringe but in turn they make me laugh, I can’t believe people actually read this rubbish. I love it.

Where was I? Oh yes, sex and boys. I do like sex, I won’t lie to you. And I do daydream about it. Often. What I have learned in my short sexual life is cliché: one night stands are rarely fulfilling, sex in a meaningful relationship is better. However being in a meaningful relationship does not make the sex good! And I am sorry if this makes me sound shallow but if the sex is not good then the attraction falters slightly and for me, personally, this can be a deal breaker.

I have emotional attachment issues. I never seem to feel anything for a guy for more than five minutes. OK, slight exaggeration but you catch my drift. For example; I would say I have two ex boyfriends, though there are several men out there who would beg to differ. My classification of a relationship is:

love + sex + longevity = relationship

So if you were seeing me for a few months but we never slept together, we were not in a relationship. Similarly, if you were seeing me for a few weeks and we did have sex, we were not in a relationship. You cannot seriously call a girl you were sleeping with for a week your girlfriend! Ridiculous.

People tell me my views on love and relationships are too restricting, and they’re probably right but I can’t change the fact that this is how I feel. I have learnt that I cannot grow to love a man, I have to have some inkling from the beginning otherwise it will never happen. My male friends especially love to tell me my relationship criteria is far too high, but in all honesty the only criteria I have is that I genuinely want the person in the first place, and this is so rare! I’ve tried to make it work without the initial wow factor but it’s so pointless. In the end I end up hurting people by throwing myself into something and convincing them I’m crazy about them, only to later realise I cannot successfully lie to myself forever. I’m famous for pulling the almighty U-turn and ultimately leaving people confused and (sadly) sometimes humiliated and / or broken hearted. I don’t want to be that person any more. I don’t want to drink for confidence, to fake it so that I feel normal. I don’t want to fake it so I feel like I’m still attractive to the opposite sex either. It’s so unhealthy! And I am not the only person who does it. I seem to be the go-to-girl for when men want to feel good about themselves. They don’t really want me; they just want to be wanted. If I had a fiver for every man who texted me whilst they were in a relationship, I’d be loaded.

You know what guys? I don’t want naughty texts or racy emails. I don’t want to know you had a dream about me or you touch yourself and think of me because you know what? It’s boring and it’s not real. Don’t get me wrong I love a bit of dirty talk, but it’s all a bit flat and lifeless on it’s own with no filler...

In other news, I didn't go to the party. This was a relief as I'm sure all I would have had to show for it the next day would be a hangover and some cringe stories...

On a musical note, My Life Story are playing a one off gig in November! I’m not sure how I’ve only just realised this but I am so unbelievably excited! They are my absolute most favouritest band EVER.

I'm back in my hometown for the weekend. I don't know why because I'm basically sitting in my brother's room, alone, tap tap tapping at the keys of his laptop. I could be doing this at home. In pyjamas. Instead I look quite nice! But I've nowhere to go. I might be going to a house party this evening. I am actually considering it. This will only lead to misery I'm sure, because I am not mentally designed for house parties. Lots of drunk people acting like frat boys is really not my idea of fun. I like dinner parties and murder mystery parties and cocktail parties.

I'm so grumpy today.

My mum was two hours late picking me which has pissed me off because I could have gone to the library in that time, and printed the housing benefit forms I so desperately need to send off.

I had to go and say there were no men in my life didn't I? Well there is one... He stood next to be several times yesterday and Cat AKA Susie Q AKA Susan was teasing me. Then somebody else walked by and said I fancied him and I went bright red and said SHUT UP (because he was standing right there)! The latter person was just joking and merely happened to hit the nail on the head. So dammit. Now everybody knows. Oh well, it's nice, feeling like a teenager again. I've missed the rush only a crush can cause.

I'm so tired from staying up past 3am watching that zombie movie. It really was sick and nasty, I'm not sure I'd watch it again!

Tomorrow night will be fun at least; I am going out for dinner with my entire family for my brother's birthday. He calls the shirt I got him a tablecloth which can only mean he likes it (ha). If it had Arsenal emblazoned on the front I would have been onto a winner! I will never like football.

I'm out...

“Rickie and JT discover a naked girl strapped to a table in an abandoned mental asylum. Although she is a zombie they are aroused and decide to have some fun with her. But their secret doesn’t stay quiet for long.”

This is a real blurb from a real movie called Deadgirl. It’s £1.50 on filmflex on Virgin Media. I guess we all know what I’ll be doing Friday night!

I’m sorry the blog is man free these days (some might say boring), but it is a natural reflection of my life at this time! Blissfully quiet on the tummy twisting, head banging drama that is men. I was asked out on a date about a month ago but that never came to fruition. He had band commitments or some such, so I didn’t really mind. I also didn’t mind because I’m not all that attracted to him; it was merely another case of ‘really nice guy, kinda likes me, let’s give it a go’ and I really can’t be bothered. He can't have been too fussed either because the texting has fizzled out! Right now I’m not looking for anything, but when it does happen I want fireworks. He’s out there somewhere, the next one, and I’m in no rush.

I am planning to move away to the coast in February, when my lease runs out. I know I am flighty (some might say flaky) but until I fall in love again I have nothing to anchor me and I don’t see that I need to feel tied down by anything else.

I can’t believe Beetlejuice used to scare me! It’s so awful! Haha...

Night my lovelies...

Do you know what has been bugging me? Number 3 of my last post; the term 'auto code' to be precise. It should have been 'auto format' or something along those lines. Or at least the word 'coding' instead of code, to be more grammatically coherent.

That is all. I need to lighten up. I struggled to sleep that night and seriously considered switching my laptop back on to correct it but thought better of it at the time.

I'm out.

(This title was bugging me because I was sure it was a misquote. After googling it seems I needed to sustitute the periods with commas and add a question mark at the end. Job's a goodun).

You don't have to tell me I'm a nerd: I KNOW.

I've done this before, sorry to anyone who has already read this, I've tweaked a few. Expect a proper blog soon, I think about blogging every day! I am Queen Procrastinator.

1. I love baking
2. I am worried that tendonitis is going to destroy my career prospects
3. I hate the auto code on this site, I always have to go in and alter the HTML because I'm a perfectionist
4. I have no money, in fact I have a defecit I am not sure how to make up 
5. I miss my friends, I'm so busy working or broke when I'm not working that I never seem to see anyone any more 
6. There is no pound sign on my keyboard . . .
7. I often sing out loud to my ipod when I’m walking home. In the dark or in broad daylight, I don’t really care who sees (or hears) me
8. I love my little flat though I am dreading winter wih no central heating!
9. I am planning to move away somewhere in February, all things to plan
10. I love to sing, jump and dance about and act like a kid. You’re never too old in my opinion
11. My friends are my life and the real reason I came home from Australia early, you know who you are...
12. I really want a dog. As soon as I have my own place I plan to rescue an adult dog from Wood Green or somewhere
13. I love bats, I think they’re beautiful
14. Sometimes, when I’m listening to an amazing song, reading an incredible piece of literature or viewing a piece of art that really strikes a chord with me I get so emotional I cry a little...
15. I actually cry all the time, happy, sad, excited, it’s ridiculous and often makes me look a bit unstable
16. I really want to go horse riding again
17. I love Japan immensely which is a bit weird since I’ve never been there
18. I have wanted to go to Egypt FOREVER
19. I bloody love dinosaurs
20. I want to buy some quad skates
21. Sometimes I think I’ll never get over my ex boyfriend James
22. Reading makes me horny (strange but true)
23. I’m obsessed with identity and often change my look just so I’m different and (hopefully) striking. I guess it’s my own little way of convincing myself I’m evolving or something, heh
24. I love to sing and actually wish I wrote and performed my own stuff. I have no excuse for not actually getting off my bottom and doing this
25. I like hairy chests, on men, not women, thought I'd clarify that...

Somebody has been reading my 2005 archives. I was checking my stats and because I am a narcissistic nerd and like to check my stats in minute detail, I discovered the 2005 archives were a popular area of interest. Naturally my curiosity was piqued so I decided to check out said pages myself and lo and behold they mention Mr Tom fairly often! They made me laugh quite a bit; I cannot believe I wrote that stuff - I find it hard to believe people actually read it! Brilliant.

In truth my stats are not what they used to be. I'm not sure I would even call myself a writer any more. I rarely update here because most of my time is spent working and when I am not working I am exhausted. I honestly cannot remember the last good night's sleep I had...

I don't do a lot these days. I do not party (I never really liked partying anyway, those of you who know me and have been out with me at least once know I tend to fall asleep in bars and nightclubs. What can I say? I am a naturally tired person). I love drinking in pubs with good friends but I am not a fan of bars or clubs. I get bored quickly and despite popular belief I am often nervous around new people and drink too much to compensate, (which generally leads to sleeping which leads to bouncers kicking me out for being so drunk I just want to sleep).

I am a pyjama girl. I get home from work, I put on my PJs and the first thing I do is switch on my modem and laptop and check my Twitter, Facebook, email. My laptop is my best friend. I am a googler. I am a regular imdb user. I tend to download TV shows as I never have time to watch them in order on TV. I prefer texting or talking on MSN to talking on the phone; I am really not a phone person. Actually I am not an MSN person either, I tend to 'appear offline' or block people so they can't talk to me.

I like a nice cup of tea.

I miss my Mozart records. I miss my record player, still covered in the stickers I favoured in my teenage years. Who am I kidding? I still love stickers. I will always love stickers.

I read Murakami and my heart alternately breaks and soars because I will never be able to write as well as he, yet he still inspires me.

I dream of a little house by the sea where I will live with my dog and cats. NB: I do not currently have any pets.

I am content in my little home and appreciate my job for the stepping stone that it is. It is hard work, but I know it will be worth it in the long run. I am one step closer to achieving my goal.

     What is my goal? To manage my own store on the coast somewhere, and to live the rest of my life by the sea.

And to be happy.

I miss working with my best friends! I miss emails and bonuses and free Sony Bravia TVs. I miss training days in random hotels.
I miss single friends who don't have children and aren't almost / or are married.
I miss bus journeys that cost 50p. I miss penny sweets which seem to cost 5p and upwards these days.
I miss bunking off school to watch football, even though I don't like football. I miss girlie sleepovers. I miss my schoolfriends and how we used to sing into our hairbrushes.
I actually miss getting drunk in the park with fifty other kids and getting upto allsorts.
I miss festivals and camping and mud.
I miss actually having money and not working my ass off to be rewarded with tendonitis and only JUST covering my rent.
I miss waking up next to someone.
I miss the sea and living with 200 people of all cultures and walks of life. I miss Greyhound bus rides and $$$.
So many things I miss.

There are certain things you do not blog about. Like the fact that you slept with that Haitian guy on your last night in Sydney because you were drunk and you felt like your heart was breaking. Never mind the fact that it was the worst sex of your life and you cried into his shoulder whilst it was happening. Never mind that the guy whom your heart was breaking for was someone you met a mere two weeks beforehand.

You don't blog about S-E-X because this is your personal life and it shouldn't be splattered across the internet, right? Well I'm sorry, but I find this cathartic and I've had just about enough of keeping all this trash to myself. It's poisonous and it is suffocating me.

I was on the bus from Whitton to Kingston this afternoon. It's a long journey. It made me laugh, as I got to thinking of Bee. Our relationship was a joke! He wouldn't let me tell my friends about us because he worked with some of them. I was really ill when we went away on our holiday but he ws a selfish bastard and didn't care. He actually accused me of wanting him to 'entertain me', forget the fact he was my boyfriend and a little sympathy wouldn't have gone amiss. Honestly, what have I been hanging onto all these years? He's engaged now and I genuinely hope he is happy. You know why? Because we would never have worked out because he did not make me happy, so I left him. I left him. What's my problem?!

I'm in the mood to let go. This stuff does not matter. Really. Yes, it hurts, like the fact that people at work resent you because you're new and on a higher level than them, but there you go. Life's a bitch. It gives you lemons? You make Lemon Drop motherfucking cocktails, OK?

I'm out...

I'm off to see The Specials tomorrow! Very much looking forward to it.

I have a [great] job in Oxford Circus. I am 25% loving it and 75 % not-so-much-loving-it. But it's a means to an end. I get to boss people about a bit, so that's nice. I was one metre away from the very beautiful Ms D eeley today! I was so excited I almost Pirates of Penzanced but fear not devoted readers, I kept my cool. Just.

Planning to check out some studio apartments this weekend, hopefully I'll be in my own pad in a matter of weeks! In London no less!

Now I must sleep as I need to get up at 4:30am (?!) for work.

Here are my new babies, as promised. Jack is the blonde bombshell on the left and the right hand honcho is Jools.

I'm listening to The Shins which is making me want to go and watch Garden State, so I might just do that. Followed by Twilight, mmmmm yes...

Top 5 songs of the hour are:

• Meg White by Ray LaMontagne
• I'm Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance With You by Black Kids
• Firecracker by Lisa Loeb
• Lumpy Dough by Fight Like Apes
• Bella's Lullaby by Carter Burwell

It's a definite possibilty that Bella's Lullaby will be my aisle music. Not that I'm ever getting married of course, but planning for every eventuality and all that.

Aren't you glad you read this entry? It's made your life a lot rosier, yes?

Right, I'm off to drink chocolate milk!

If you are interested in having your name written across my breasts and photographic evidence posted on this site, please leave a comment with a truly spectacular answer as to why you would deserve such an honour to be bestowed upon you. I'll see what I can do.

TTFN!

xoxo

My cat is looking at me like I’m nuts. Speaking of the furry (big)little feline, he is so fat and has jumped onto my laptop so many times the screen flickers. It is most annoying. I would like to point out that if it were down to me he would be fed twice a day with the occasional treat. As it is down to the mothertype he is fed at least five times a day. ReDUNKulous.
Mum and brother went away for a week which was nice, I got the house to myself (which I didn’t enjoy as much as I thought I would, I got a bit lonely and drank too much red wine). HOWEVER, upon their homecoming I was bestowed with two cacti! I have called them Jack and Jools. The blonde one is Jack because they were gifts from my mum and she is also blonde. Oh, and called Jackie. (Nice little insight into the way my mind works, there). I only ever have male cacti; they can be of the homosexual persuasion (as Delilah AKA Nancy Boy was) but nevertheless still boys. I shall upload a photo soon. All the others died because I moved house so many times they couldn’t take the strain. Actually Nancy Boy was still alive up until last year; my sister was meant to take him home with her whilst I was in Australia but SHE FORGOT. (And yes cacti really can go a long time without water but generally in the wild they store their water much like camels or their roots feed from underground aqua). I was very disappointed because he was my last little lad and being a nancy boy and everything he did quite well to last so long really. I cannot wait to have my own place and a nice healthy environment for my plants. I’m going to start a little herb garden too, which will be nice as my staple diet is salad.
In other news, I drink too much and I’m a little tired of making a twat of myself so I’ve given up the whole drinking malarkey indefinitely. DON’T EVEN ASK ME ABOUT THE MEN IN MY LIFE. I awoke this morning snuggled up with Jam. He is my best friend in the whole world ever. Thank the Heavens for small mercies, I’m not sure what I would do without him. It is simply not the same waking up in the arms of your best friend though is it? And no there was no nookie, Jam and I are and always will be platonic. Not to be confused with plutonic, that would be a little dangerous methinks. Especially knowing me and Jam.
I am going to attempt to start writing again. I started writing a little poetry a few weeks ago and I’m thinking about getting singing lessons. I am determined to finish my sci-fi short story, about Purgatory as a modern prison complete with internet access in the cells.
Other plans include going to college in September to finally learn to hair dress properly. I have no intention of working in a salon but it will be nice to have a trade under my belt. Hopefully I could then work part time in a standard job and cut, colour and style hair either at home or at client’s houses, enabling me to have more time to write! I am going to re-work some of my older stories and start sending them off to magazines and sites for publication. And possibly enter some competitions. WATCH THIS SPACE! I feel like I am in a much better head space, all I need now is a semi-decent job so that I can afford to buy a car and move out and I’m laughing!

Your fairy, CF xx

This blog is interactive. Wherever you see (a slightly darker version of) this colour, click for links!

I just got back from a weekend of swimming, hiking, mountain biking and canoeing through a tropical rainforest on Sunday! (How amazing is my life?!) If you're interested to know what the tour was like check here . However it rained the entire weekend and swimming in the waterfalls was supremely cold in a skimpy little bikini, it was still an amazing tour. I'll put some photos up soon, I haven't really been online much recently so there's a lot I need to update you all on.

I just spent almost $2,000 on lots of tours down the east coast all the way from Cairns to Sydney, I just thought I'd let you know what I'll be doing over the next month and I'll fill you in on the details whenever I get to a computer (which won't be often, I'll mostly be on buses, yachts and kayaks and camping on remote islands).

Itinerfairy:

Saturday 25 October 2008: Magnetic Island

Monday 27 October 2008: Airlie Beach

Tuesday 28 - Friday 31 October 2008: Sailing and scuba diving around the Whitsundays on mega yacht Anaconda III 

Saturday 1 - Sunday 2 November 2008: 1770 and dolphin kayaking NB: No we don't use the dolphins as kayaks! We go out on normal kayaks to spot dolphins in their natural habitat :) 

Monday 3 November 2008: Rainbow Beach

Tuesday 4 - Thursday 6 November 2008: Fraser Island self drive 4 wheel drive adventure and camping

Friday 7 November 2008: Skydive over Rainbow Beach !

Sat 8 - Sunday 9 November 2008: Noosa - Australia Zoo ! (This is Steve Irwin's zoo, it's a huuuuuuge safari park / nature reserve)

Monday 10 - Tuesday 11 November 2008: Brisbane

Wednesday 12 - Thursday 13 November 2008: Surfer's Paradise

Friday 14 - Saturday 15 November 2008: Byron Bay - day trip to Nimbin

Mon 17 November 2008 - onwards: Sydney!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday 14 December 2008: Kylie Minogue X tour in Sydney!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Whoop woo :p

Holy bananas!!! The Cure have asked 65daysofstatic to remix their songs!!! That's the most exciting news I have. That and the fact that Lars has invited me to go bowling with everybody, so that's good, I might actually have a social life again after being a hermit for TOO long.

I am rediscovering the album P.H.U.Q by the Wildhearts and I'm obsessed with the new Coldplay album. That's it for me, I'm unable to comment further because I'm about to get kicked out of the library (it's closing time). I'm sorry I haven't blogged for so long but I have been going through a lot of personal emotions and I thought it best just to chill out and give myself some space. I'm excellent though, more to come >>>>>> WATCH THIS SPACE!

Speak soon...... xD *your favourite fairy*

Well after all that 'no men' crap I got myself into a bit of a pickle last night with three Germans. Hmmmm. It would have to be a pickle you see because nothing is ever simple for me and we all know I thrive on it being this way. Well one is unbelievably gorgeous (I was in bed watching a Japanese move and eating pizza and he came into my dorm and dragged me out of bed pretty much, plied me with cider) he's into music but he is a TOTAL PLAYER, another is hot but doesn't speak English too well (but well enough) and the third is the cutest, sweetest guy EVER and when he asked me if I liked the hot one I lied and said no then for good meaure I added, 'I'm not into messing around and he's leaving next week so I'm not going there' to which he replied 'I would stay, I wish I was staying' and smiled at me shyly. B*gger. Then he was embarrased and thought he'd made a fool of himself. SO THEN... the hot one cornered me and apologised for not staying with me the night before (I was so drunk I asked him to) and the reason was that he does like me but he knows that the cute one also likes me. So one thing led to another and basically the cute one came home to find me and the hot one snogging like a pair of teenagers on the bonnet of the car. It's funny really, if you tilt your head to one side and screw your eyes up and squint a bit... So hot boy stayed with me in my dorm but there was strictly no hanky panky because sex in a dorm is SKANKY. Which was pointless really because when your roommates wake up to find a man in your bed they all just assume you did it anyway. *sigh*

And the gorgeous one is a devil in disguise. So we simply will NOT go there. He did try to kiss me but I think I shouted NO in his face or something so then he was playing matchmaker for me and the hot one. I'm sitting on my hands.....

It's like being a teenager all over again except we're all over twenty five.